Sometimes I see Your goodness in those moments that seem so important, they feel forever burned into my mind’s iris: saying our vows; hovering over the stick, breathless and giggling over two lines; the first time holding our babies; sitting with patients and loved ones beside hospital beds; knowing your peace in the swell of grief.

And then there’s days like today when words just aren’t enough.

I can dance and sing and hope and praise because You were bigger than the grave; because You loved us THAT much; because of Your fierce, unconditional love for us, I can call myself Your daughter…and you are good and sovereign and mighty and close.
I know what I am. I know what I deserve. I know that even on my best day, I am sinful and selfish and so utterly unworthy of You. But because of Your Goodness; Your mercy; and the sweet grace and power of Redemption,

I hope.

you didn’t just die that day the earth groaned and went dark.

You LIVE.

Thank you, Jesus.

chris nicknamed him lumpy…for obvious reasons. ;)

kyle at 3 months…

Eli at 3 months…

M:  Oh, Carter.  You’re getting so big and so grown up.
He watches me for a few seconds, obviously thinking hard.

C:  It breaks your heart, mommy?

M:  (laughing)…well, sometimes it breaks my heart because I just can’t believe you’re not my little baby anymore.

C:  Well.  I’m going to stay this size forever.  That way, your heart won’t have to break.   :)

Sometimes the things this child comes up with just makes me want to kiss his face off. So of course, I leaped up, squeezed his little face and showered him with kisses.   I had to explain to him that mostly mommy’s hearts are full of happy as they watch their babies grow up. This momma, I told him, is absolutely FULL of happy.
Obviously, he’s heard me tell someone recently that it breaks my heart to know my boys are getting so big!  LOL. This thoughtful side of Carter is one we’ve been seeing much more frequently, lately. It’s funny how it ignites this mama bear desire in me to protect him. At this tender age, I think he thinks the biggest threats to his safety and well being are lions and thunder. If only that could always be true.

…30 seconds of potty sitting, contemplative, silence later…

mommy, what’s a heart?  LOL… which led to a whole biology lesson and appropriately came full circle and ended with detailed conversation about poop.  In a house full of boys, I’m finding lots of our conversations end with detailed discussions about poop. 

Without fail, when all is said and done, we typically end up sitting in the bathroom for 20 minutes while C does the big job and contemplates life out loud. It always starts with us helping him onto the potty and before we can escape, the questions commence. As an added bonus, he frequently updates us of his status by telling us how many poops he’s had, the size of the poops, etc.
It’s lovely.

I guess I’m glad our potty talk conversations won’t last forever. It would be creepy and disturbing–and it would speak volumes about our parenting style if grown up Carter needed people to sit with him while he did the big job. (shiver). But three year old Carter is just that. Three. Inquisitive, tender, unfiltered, three.

and he leaves his mommy FULL of HAPPY.

I hear Carter in the bathroom…

I find him pulling up his pants, just finishing up using the potty.  I go in to the bathroom to check on him and step, barefoot, into something wet.

M:  Carter.  (with my serious, mama bear is about to roar, tone) What IS this? (pointing to the puddle)  Is it water or pee?

C: water.

M: where did it come from?

C:  my penis.

…I am crazy, crazy in love with this baby. I know there might be cuter babies out there in this world but oh my word. my heart is just head over heels in love with him. He loves his mama. I could stare at this face all day long.

and you’ve already learned the tough lesson that it’s never a good idea to put stickers on your penis, there’s still a whole world of things to explore and get into. This is what’s been happening in the world of Carter this January.

It’s friday. I’m home with both kiddos. We’ve had a good morning. I hear the buzz of the dryer go off so I lay Eli in the bouncy seat while Carter is playing nearby. Eli is protesting a bit as I pull the clothes out and fold them in the entry way. For a few seconds, it becomes silent and I think, huh, maybe he’s chilling out. but then the crying resumes with a bit more fervor.
With my arms full of freshly folded clothes, I walk back into the living room. I see the bouncy seat.
No baby.

For a split second I stare at the vacant bouncy seat as I silently question myself and my sanity.
“I DID put the baby in there, didn’t I?”

And then I hear…
“I picked the baby up.” declared very proudly by my three year old, with his head cocked to the side and a big grin on his face. I wheeled around and there, laying on his back in the middle of the couch, is my 5 week old.

I can’t decide if the moments of silence I heard while folding clothes was the sound of contentment from being picked up or if Eli was suffocating while Carter bear hugged him to transfer him to the couch.
I’m just grateful there was no life altering injury.

Lesson learned.
There’s a safety belt on those things for a reason.
And two minutes or three minutes of alone time, when you’re three (and your name is Carter Long) is an eternity of time to get into big, big trouble.

Another little development that has occurred since bringing Eli home, is occasional accidents from my potty trained toddler. Prior to the birth, Carter wasn’t having any accidents whatsoever. Since that time, they have happened frequently (although this is much better now). As a result, we’ve had lots of conversations about not peeing in one’s pants; Carter has also had to clean up his messes which has not been fun for the little man. About a week ago, Carter was upstairs playing by himself in the play room while Kyle and I were finishing up dinner. I went up at one point and found Carter in his underwear. I asked him why he took his pants off-he mumbled something-but I didn’t really pay too much attention to it because he’s three. Three year olds do strange things like that. A few minutes after that, Kyle went upstairs to play with him. Shortly afterwards, Kyle comes back down the stairs holding a little playdough bucket. Eye contact with the hubs let me know he was amused and annoyed and that no matter what was in the bucket I shouldn’t laugh because someone was listening. I glance inside and there, sloshing around, is a few inches of fresh toddler pee.
Carter, following stark naked behind his daddy, declares
“I didn’t pee in my pants!!”
No.
No, you didn’t.

For an otherwise healthy girl, it seemed like every time I went to my OB appts during the last couple of months, I always left the office with a new diagnosis. :) Every time my doctor would say, “Let’s just do this test. I don’t think it will be positive, I’m sure you’re fine…” the results would come back to declare otherwise. So, it wasn’t a huge surprise at my 37 week appt that my bp was elevated. He talked about possible pre eclampsia but reassured me that it probably wasn’t. He asked me to check my bp a couple of times each day and to call him if it became any more elevated. While at work, later that very same day, we checked my pressure. 170/110. Time to have a baby!!

I was admitted the next morning for pre eclampsia and pregnancy induced hypertension. :) The morning of my induction my BP stayed about like this…until I started to transition, then it shot back up into the 170s/100s.

Rebecca was watching my monitor all the while I labored and she would update my progress (or lack thereof according to the monitor) by saying…’that was a 4!’…which in case you’re wondering, is nothing as far as contractions go. This was confusing to me because I honestly felt like I was getting close to delivering and my insides felt like they were ripping in 1/2. So every time she said ‘that was a 4!’…the dialogue happening silently up in my dome was occasionally laden with expletives. FINALLY, a nurse came in to check on me because my bp alarm was going off. She adjusted my belts and finally, the screen showed contractions that matched what I believed I was feeling. Pain. and plenty of it! ;) A bit of satisfaction. I’ve got your 4 right here!!! LOL

For some reason, because it was a scheduled induction, I just went into the morning believing that drugs would be on board early into the labor process. nope. Not exactly the case. I started laboring around 8:30 when they broke my water. They hung my pitocin at 12 pm and at 12:45 when they checked me I was 8 cm and complete. The anesthesiologist was still no where to be found. My nurse enthusiastically said “let’s just have a baby!!”…but I really didn’t want to have a baby until I had some good drugs. I could feel a bit of panic welling up–I’m just not that girl. It’s the baby actually coming OUT that has me terrified-notsomuch the contractions! I watched a birthing video a few weeks earlier…I saw how huge that baby looked coming out. Dr. Green used his most compassionate doctor face to tell me they would try to get the epidural in but it may not have time to work. At 1:30-ish, the epidural was in. A few bolus doses and the pushing commenced. Eventually it really did help quite a bit. Bliss. Of course, the full effect of the epidural didn’t happen until after Eli was born but nonetheless. I was grateful.
getting the epidural placed

time to push!

Baby Eli was born at 1:51…about to make his big debut!!

Kyle endured a bit of good natured peer pressure by the doc and surprised us all by being able to cut the cord!!! Daddy did amazing. We had to laugh during the labor/pushing phase of the delivery because Kyle had one job and one job only. He was supposed to silence my bp monitor by pressing a button each time it went off. But he was so caught up in the drama of it all…(or he was dissociating and living anywhere but with us in that room) that we had to remind him each and every time to press the button. “Kyle. press the button.” followed by laughter…

No words to describe how much we love this man. He is one of the kindest Ob/GYNs on the planet. hands down.

receiving my baby.

best moment of a mama’s life…kissing that sweet face; snuggling him close; breathing him in. deep, grateful, full love.

Kyle gets to hold Eli. Such a good daddy!!

So happy!

took this on the computer about one week after Eli was born, when he was still itty bitty. :)
one week old…

Baby Eli today…this morning, actually. At nearly two months old. Last weight check he was 11 lbs!!!! He is huge!!

First, a pregnancy update. I saw Dr. Green this week and found out that baby #2 is a robust 6 lbs already!!! I also was informed that I am 90% effaced and a good 2 cm dilated; the complete opposite of Carter’s pregnancy. Dr. Green seems to think we could have a baby at any time-which has added to my neurotic tendencies. With Carter, I pretty much just knew I would be pregnant forever. (dramatic, yes…considering I was a mere two days over due but that’s what 40 plus anything feels like). This time, knowing what we do, I am acutely aware of every single contraction. I have a bag packed and am ready to get this party to the hospital as soon as there’s the least littlest bit of pain. ;) Having fully experienced transitional labor-(my uterus feels like it’s in a vice grip) the first time around, I will happily accept drugs as soon as they are offered. :) We really haven’t done much with a nursery. Our house is on the market and we decided not to get crazy with decorating a room, knowing we may not be here long. I also have much better perspective on how little is truly needed to bring a peanut home. At any rate, our plans to travel to IN for Thanksgiving have been changed. We will stay here and celebrate with friends.

Carter also turned three years old this week. Crazy. It’s so hard to believe he’s that big already. He cracks us up constantly as of late–lots of personality packed into that tiny body. He has phrases like: “my baby hurts!!” when he has to poop. And “that’s me horn” when he toots. boys. :) We woke him up on his big day singing to him, indulged in cupcakes with sprinkles for breakfast and listened to the excitement of the awe of birthday gifts bursting from his little being as he tore the paper off in a flurry. I was an emotional mess the night before, as I wrapped and baked and cried over sprinkles. I know he’ll never remember these years when it was just the three of us–and while I know our lives are about to get bigger and better with another lil man to love, I will treasure these last few years with every bit of my being.

a few pictures of the last month of life.

Trick-or-treating: a word about the hat…he has TWO very cute fireman hats. this is a $1.00 hat he found at Target which is a construction hat that he insists on wearing backwards…which as one friend stated, gives it a little special ed sort of feel. ;)

with our besties

happy birthday…to MEEEEEE…

36 weeks